Isn't it crazy how drastically things can change from week to week? The last post I had on this blog was completely the oposite of how I feel right now. I knew as I typed the words that eventually I would look back on them and wonder how. How could a girl as blessed as I am ever even fathom complaining like that. So, here's the apology. I didn't mean it. Just a bad day.
Tonight, as I sit in the warm comfort of my Nana's room I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Gratitude to the amazing God who created me, loved me enough to die for my sins, and who gave me my family and friends. Gratitude for the girl lying on the bed behind me, and the voices just outisde this door loudly exclaiming the current score of their epic battle of Rook (they've been at it for hours,I don't know how they do it)! Grateful for the small sparkles that are mixed into the paint of the off-white color on my Nana's wall. If you weren't looking for them, they wouldn't be the first thing you recognize. But, they always remind me how special she is, and how special I am to be a part of this family. Gratitude for the phone that just rang. Yet another call from a family member or friend calling to brighten our day and say hello. Gratitude for my Grandad who has been gone for 7 years, but has not once left my heart. Thankful for the legacy he left and the sermons he preached. I can listen to them on tape any time of the day and feel him as if he were sitting right beside me. Gratitude for the soft, floral print of my great-grandmother's bedroom, who has been gone for 5 years. Thankful that when we congregate here Cheryl, Kayla, and I always sleep in her bedroom. Thankful that I can look at the pictures on her wall and the subtle reminders all around her room, reminding me that we will definitely see her again one day. How awesome will that day be???
Basically, I want to remember this feeling. Remember how it feels to literally be counting your blessings. So, that when I have a day like I did last week and it feels like things may fall apart, I can remember that I have so many more things keeping it together.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
One of Those Weeks
I am exhausted. I have been so stressed this week, I'm pretty sure it's taken a few years off my life. This is an emotion that I struggle with. I am so incredibly blessed, how dare I grumble about such small insignificant things. I have trouble justifying being miserable over a failed math test and a stressful therapy regimin. But, at the same time, it's how I feel. Period. I'm really, really tired.
I feel like I have so much more going on than the average kid my age. It's like... they get to go home after school, do their homework, and go to bed. But, I go home after school, do homework, physical therapy, and deal with whatever emotional after schock of having a serious illness that I am experiencing at the moment. Some days are good, some days are not. I just wonder if I will ever be able to wake up, go through a day, and lay down without thinking about it. I would love to be able to get up, get dressed, walk around school without a crutch, and not be stared at. That would be great. But, that wouldn't be me. I am different, but the same. I think people that don't know me have preconcieved notions about my life. Maybe all they know about me is that I had cancer. But, cancer dosn't define my life. It's a part of my story, and a huge event that has formed and molded me into who I am.
If I have influenced even one person in a positive way, or brought light and love into their life through my ordeal, I consider it worth while. It is such a humbling feeling knowing that God is using you to further His kingdom, and to be an example. So, even though I may grumble or complain some days, when I lay down I close my eyes at night I ask God for strength. I ask Him to help me be better the next day, to be more realistic. And I always feel this calm in my heart, because I know the creator of the universe loves me. What more could you want?
With Love,
Sarah
I feel like I have so much more going on than the average kid my age. It's like... they get to go home after school, do their homework, and go to bed. But, I go home after school, do homework, physical therapy, and deal with whatever emotional after schock of having a serious illness that I am experiencing at the moment. Some days are good, some days are not. I just wonder if I will ever be able to wake up, go through a day, and lay down without thinking about it. I would love to be able to get up, get dressed, walk around school without a crutch, and not be stared at. That would be great. But, that wouldn't be me. I am different, but the same. I think people that don't know me have preconcieved notions about my life. Maybe all they know about me is that I had cancer. But, cancer dosn't define my life. It's a part of my story, and a huge event that has formed and molded me into who I am.
If I have influenced even one person in a positive way, or brought light and love into their life through my ordeal, I consider it worth while. It is such a humbling feeling knowing that God is using you to further His kingdom, and to be an example. So, even though I may grumble or complain some days, when I lay down I close my eyes at night I ask God for strength. I ask Him to help me be better the next day, to be more realistic. And I always feel this calm in my heart, because I know the creator of the universe loves me. What more could you want?
With Love,
Sarah
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