This post may not make a lot of sense. But it's something I've been thinking about today, so just bear with me...
Over the last two years my ability to plan my life more than 1 day(sometimes 1 second) in advance has been taken. I was in agressive treatment, one that made it impossible to go to school or go to the mall, or sometimes even leave my house. During these two years my life was completely unpredictable. One day in June of 2008 I was at a friend's birthday party. I left a little early, headed to Charlotte for what should have been a quick blood draw. CBC, quick, easy, to the point. I ended up in the hospital that night with fever neutropenia. Absolutely terrifying. Anyway, my point is, I think that I have been protecting myself for the last two yeasr. Not making plans to protect my heart when I don't get to go for a fever, or unexpected side effects from whatever medicine is in my coctail at the moment. Building a wall between what "normal" kids my age can do and what I should do. But now, 5 months since my last treatment, I find myself with a calendar filled with dates. And quite frankly, it scares me. This may seem silly. You might think I'm crazy, or even being unreasonable. But, it's how I feel and I'm not afraid to write it down. Tonight, as I sat thinking about my future, and what it might hold I felt a twinge of fear. Why am I writing things down, getting excited for things like prom and graduation, when the life I know now could be pulled out from under me at any moment. Most teenagers feel invincible, like nothing can touch them. I learned early in life that nothing is guaranteed. One second I'm in eighth grade studying for EOG's, the next I'm sitting in Charlotte hearing words no one deserves to hear. Ever. Most kids my age are beginning to think about college, a major, and the possibility of a marriage and kids in the near future. Am I rambling?
What I'm trying to say is that I'm ready to let my guard down. I'm not afraid of my disease to catch me at a vulnerable moment. Now is the time to live, and live right. Put God first, trust in His plan for my life. Will I still hear that little voice telling me not to count on it sometimes? Probably. Will I still get freaked out before scans? Absolutely. But I do have one thing that is absolutely constant, completely static. That's God's plan for my life. Even though I can't see the finished work, I am trusting Him. He knows so much more than me.
With Love,
Sarah
Over the last two years my ability to plan my life more than 1 day(sometimes 1 second) in advance has been taken. I was in agressive treatment, one that made it impossible to go to school or go to the mall, or sometimes even leave my house. During these two years my life was completely unpredictable. One day in June of 2008 I was at a friend's birthday party. I left a little early, headed to Charlotte for what should have been a quick blood draw. CBC, quick, easy, to the point. I ended up in the hospital that night with fever neutropenia. Absolutely terrifying. Anyway, my point is, I think that I have been protecting myself for the last two yeasr. Not making plans to protect my heart when I don't get to go for a fever, or unexpected side effects from whatever medicine is in my coctail at the moment. Building a wall between what "normal" kids my age can do and what I should do. But now, 5 months since my last treatment, I find myself with a calendar filled with dates. And quite frankly, it scares me. This may seem silly. You might think I'm crazy, or even being unreasonable. But, it's how I feel and I'm not afraid to write it down. Tonight, as I sat thinking about my future, and what it might hold I felt a twinge of fear. Why am I writing things down, getting excited for things like prom and graduation, when the life I know now could be pulled out from under me at any moment. Most teenagers feel invincible, like nothing can touch them. I learned early in life that nothing is guaranteed. One second I'm in eighth grade studying for EOG's, the next I'm sitting in Charlotte hearing words no one deserves to hear. Ever. Most kids my age are beginning to think about college, a major, and the possibility of a marriage and kids in the near future. Am I rambling?
What I'm trying to say is that I'm ready to let my guard down. I'm not afraid of my disease to catch me at a vulnerable moment. Now is the time to live, and live right. Put God first, trust in His plan for my life. Will I still hear that little voice telling me not to count on it sometimes? Probably. Will I still get freaked out before scans? Absolutely. But I do have one thing that is absolutely constant, completely static. That's God's plan for my life. Even though I can't see the finished work, I am trusting Him. He knows so much more than me.
With Love,
Sarah
