You can learn a lot about a person from their Christmas tree. Is it real or artificial? Real- this person doesn't mind traveling out in the freezing cold winter weather to pick out the perfect tree. They then don't mind cutting it down by hand, strapping it to the hood of the family bus, and haulilng it home to trim and proudly display in the living room. Lots of meaning, lots of risk. Artificial- This person doesn't mind making a trip out to their nearest Home Depot or Target to pick out their perfect tree. It comes pre-lit and ready to assemble. Perfect for the busy family with young children. Same amount of meaning, reduced risk of house fire!
You can find out if they have kids. You can maybe even see their kindergarten picture displayed in the middle of a snow-flake or framed in a red and green wreath. You can find out the year that they moved into their new house or they year they were expecting their first child. Any major event in your life is captured in an ornament. The ornamentation of your life, unwrapped, and placed on the branches of your real or artificial tree.
I am comforted by the fact that every year my family and I will unwrap these ornaments, look back fondly on the event that they represent, and laugh or cry or maybe both. They will sit on display from the end of November until the first of the new year. And then, on that sad day when the Christmas decorations come down, we will lovingly place them back into their bubblewrap homes and place them back in the playroom. They are no longer hanging on the tree, but hanging in our hearts. The ornamentation of our lives.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Happy Girl
Today has been the text book definition of a perfect day. At least for me. A great day for me is being at home with my mom and sister. Simple as that. I got to sleep in which was fabulous! I woke up, took a shower, and finished up my homework. I always do homework on Saturday morning. I like to get it out of the way, pack my bookbag, and set it by the door so I don't have to think about school for the rest of the weekend! The rest of the day was spent Holiday decorating with my mom and sister. We watched at least 3 or 4 Christmas movies. Christmas is great, it's consistant and predictable in the best way possible. I can always count on watching Christmas Vacation or the Santa Clause at least 20 times from Thanksgiving to Christmas day. Not even exaggerating! Even when our lives have been completely unpredictable while I was in treatment, we still did things the same way. I love the stability of it. The kitchen was my job. I got out the Christmas dishes and switched them with our normal ones. My back hurts crazy bad from reaching up on our shelves! I also decorated the living room. We have had so many candles burning in here it is actually hot! I love it though. We have worked so hard today, but it didn't seem like work because we were together. Having fun. Enjoying eachother. The only reminder of the hard work is my poor back! Hello heating pad! Good night pain pill!
With Love,
Sarah
With Love,
Sarah
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Sing Choirs of Angels, Sing in Exultation
You know that feeling, when you're in your own world and nothing really matters? Like you are running a hundred miles an hour and nothing can touch you? That's how I feel when I sing.
I have been blessed to be a part of the Lenoir Rhyne Youth Chorus for almost ten years now, and it my absolute favorite thing on earth. We rehearse every week, perform two concerts, and tour every year. It has been the most amazing experience and has become a part of who I am.
Our Christmas concert was this Tuesday. The morning started off rough. I was recovering from what I assume was a 24 hour stomach bug. I prayed all morning that I would be well enough to perform. I would have been devestated to miss it! I got some rest, took a Zofran (my best friend and partner in crime) and began feeling much better. Nana and Kayla both came to the concert and spent the night. They made it so special for me. That's what's so great about my family. We celebrate each other. When one of us succeeds, we all do.
The concert was one and a half hours of pure joy. There is nothing more beautiful than hearing 110 young people lifting their voices to prais God. I am a Meistersinger, the group for older kids, and also a Chamber Singer. The Chambers are a select group of voices, only about 10-15 strong. Ms. Jowers chooses those that most exemplify musicality and dedication to participate. I was so excited to sing as a Chamber this year! We did all Christmas music for the concert. We sang everything from traditional carols to hymns to pieces in other languages. But, the thing that they all had in common was the thing that links every human heart on this earth together. They all glorified God and the wonder that is the holiday season. As we sang of the miracle of Jesus birth, I felt complete peace and contentment in my heart.
The last piece we sang was O Come All Ye Faithful. It is a very common song to sing during the holiday season. But, if you really listen, it has such a beautiful message. It made me really stop and listen to what it was saying. 110 Minisingers and Meistersingers filed out of the risers and into the aisles of the church. During the third verse, as the congregation continued with the words, we sang a beautiful descant. I'm a first soprano, I live for descants. When you sing it, and your vebrato voices fill the space... there's nothing like it.
LRYC has become a huge part of who I am. It's something that is unique to me. Out of all the band kids in my family, I am the only chorus kid. Well, I'm actually both. But choir is where my heart is. I definitely got the love of voice from my mom. She is an amazing singer! She often tells me stories of her high school choir, The Counterpoints, and I am thankful that we have that in common.
Ms. Jowers is one of the best people I know. She teaches us to love and appreciate music, not just notes on a page. She teaches us of a world where music is alive and palpable, where every note you sing is an opportunity to touch someone's heart. This last year, as her husband has begun and won his battle with cancer, I have seen a beautiful example. I will always be thankful for LRYC and what it has taught me. Whether it's a tour abroad singing in Canterbury Cathedral or a concert in a small church just a few miles down the road, every note is special to me.
With Love,
Sarah
I have been blessed to be a part of the Lenoir Rhyne Youth Chorus for almost ten years now, and it my absolute favorite thing on earth. We rehearse every week, perform two concerts, and tour every year. It has been the most amazing experience and has become a part of who I am.
Our Christmas concert was this Tuesday. The morning started off rough. I was recovering from what I assume was a 24 hour stomach bug. I prayed all morning that I would be well enough to perform. I would have been devestated to miss it! I got some rest, took a Zofran (my best friend and partner in crime) and began feeling much better. Nana and Kayla both came to the concert and spent the night. They made it so special for me. That's what's so great about my family. We celebrate each other. When one of us succeeds, we all do.
The concert was one and a half hours of pure joy. There is nothing more beautiful than hearing 110 young people lifting their voices to prais God. I am a Meistersinger, the group for older kids, and also a Chamber Singer. The Chambers are a select group of voices, only about 10-15 strong. Ms. Jowers chooses those that most exemplify musicality and dedication to participate. I was so excited to sing as a Chamber this year! We did all Christmas music for the concert. We sang everything from traditional carols to hymns to pieces in other languages. But, the thing that they all had in common was the thing that links every human heart on this earth together. They all glorified God and the wonder that is the holiday season. As we sang of the miracle of Jesus birth, I felt complete peace and contentment in my heart.
The last piece we sang was O Come All Ye Faithful. It is a very common song to sing during the holiday season. But, if you really listen, it has such a beautiful message. It made me really stop and listen to what it was saying. 110 Minisingers and Meistersingers filed out of the risers and into the aisles of the church. During the third verse, as the congregation continued with the words, we sang a beautiful descant. I'm a first soprano, I live for descants. When you sing it, and your vebrato voices fill the space... there's nothing like it.
LRYC has become a huge part of who I am. It's something that is unique to me. Out of all the band kids in my family, I am the only chorus kid. Well, I'm actually both. But choir is where my heart is. I definitely got the love of voice from my mom. She is an amazing singer! She often tells me stories of her high school choir, The Counterpoints, and I am thankful that we have that in common.
Ms. Jowers is one of the best people I know. She teaches us to love and appreciate music, not just notes on a page. She teaches us of a world where music is alive and palpable, where every note you sing is an opportunity to touch someone's heart. This last year, as her husband has begun and won his battle with cancer, I have seen a beautiful example. I will always be thankful for LRYC and what it has taught me. Whether it's a tour abroad singing in Canterbury Cathedral or a concert in a small church just a few miles down the road, every note is special to me.
With Love,
Sarah
Friday, November 26, 2010
Gratitude
Isn't it crazy how drastically things can change from week to week? The last post I had on this blog was completely the oposite of how I feel right now. I knew as I typed the words that eventually I would look back on them and wonder how. How could a girl as blessed as I am ever even fathom complaining like that. So, here's the apology. I didn't mean it. Just a bad day.
Tonight, as I sit in the warm comfort of my Nana's room I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Gratitude to the amazing God who created me, loved me enough to die for my sins, and who gave me my family and friends. Gratitude for the girl lying on the bed behind me, and the voices just outisde this door loudly exclaiming the current score of their epic battle of Rook (they've been at it for hours,I don't know how they do it)! Grateful for the small sparkles that are mixed into the paint of the off-white color on my Nana's wall. If you weren't looking for them, they wouldn't be the first thing you recognize. But, they always remind me how special she is, and how special I am to be a part of this family. Gratitude for the phone that just rang. Yet another call from a family member or friend calling to brighten our day and say hello. Gratitude for my Grandad who has been gone for 7 years, but has not once left my heart. Thankful for the legacy he left and the sermons he preached. I can listen to them on tape any time of the day and feel him as if he were sitting right beside me. Gratitude for the soft, floral print of my great-grandmother's bedroom, who has been gone for 5 years. Thankful that when we congregate here Cheryl, Kayla, and I always sleep in her bedroom. Thankful that I can look at the pictures on her wall and the subtle reminders all around her room, reminding me that we will definitely see her again one day. How awesome will that day be???
Basically, I want to remember this feeling. Remember how it feels to literally be counting your blessings. So, that when I have a day like I did last week and it feels like things may fall apart, I can remember that I have so many more things keeping it together.
Tonight, as I sit in the warm comfort of my Nana's room I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Gratitude to the amazing God who created me, loved me enough to die for my sins, and who gave me my family and friends. Gratitude for the girl lying on the bed behind me, and the voices just outisde this door loudly exclaiming the current score of their epic battle of Rook (they've been at it for hours,I don't know how they do it)! Grateful for the small sparkles that are mixed into the paint of the off-white color on my Nana's wall. If you weren't looking for them, they wouldn't be the first thing you recognize. But, they always remind me how special she is, and how special I am to be a part of this family. Gratitude for the phone that just rang. Yet another call from a family member or friend calling to brighten our day and say hello. Gratitude for my Grandad who has been gone for 7 years, but has not once left my heart. Thankful for the legacy he left and the sermons he preached. I can listen to them on tape any time of the day and feel him as if he were sitting right beside me. Gratitude for the soft, floral print of my great-grandmother's bedroom, who has been gone for 5 years. Thankful that when we congregate here Cheryl, Kayla, and I always sleep in her bedroom. Thankful that I can look at the pictures on her wall and the subtle reminders all around her room, reminding me that we will definitely see her again one day. How awesome will that day be???
Basically, I want to remember this feeling. Remember how it feels to literally be counting your blessings. So, that when I have a day like I did last week and it feels like things may fall apart, I can remember that I have so many more things keeping it together.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
One of Those Weeks
I am exhausted. I have been so stressed this week, I'm pretty sure it's taken a few years off my life. This is an emotion that I struggle with. I am so incredibly blessed, how dare I grumble about such small insignificant things. I have trouble justifying being miserable over a failed math test and a stressful therapy regimin. But, at the same time, it's how I feel. Period. I'm really, really tired.
I feel like I have so much more going on than the average kid my age. It's like... they get to go home after school, do their homework, and go to bed. But, I go home after school, do homework, physical therapy, and deal with whatever emotional after schock of having a serious illness that I am experiencing at the moment. Some days are good, some days are not. I just wonder if I will ever be able to wake up, go through a day, and lay down without thinking about it. I would love to be able to get up, get dressed, walk around school without a crutch, and not be stared at. That would be great. But, that wouldn't be me. I am different, but the same. I think people that don't know me have preconcieved notions about my life. Maybe all they know about me is that I had cancer. But, cancer dosn't define my life. It's a part of my story, and a huge event that has formed and molded me into who I am.
If I have influenced even one person in a positive way, or brought light and love into their life through my ordeal, I consider it worth while. It is such a humbling feeling knowing that God is using you to further His kingdom, and to be an example. So, even though I may grumble or complain some days, when I lay down I close my eyes at night I ask God for strength. I ask Him to help me be better the next day, to be more realistic. And I always feel this calm in my heart, because I know the creator of the universe loves me. What more could you want?
With Love,
Sarah
I feel like I have so much more going on than the average kid my age. It's like... they get to go home after school, do their homework, and go to bed. But, I go home after school, do homework, physical therapy, and deal with whatever emotional after schock of having a serious illness that I am experiencing at the moment. Some days are good, some days are not. I just wonder if I will ever be able to wake up, go through a day, and lay down without thinking about it. I would love to be able to get up, get dressed, walk around school without a crutch, and not be stared at. That would be great. But, that wouldn't be me. I am different, but the same. I think people that don't know me have preconcieved notions about my life. Maybe all they know about me is that I had cancer. But, cancer dosn't define my life. It's a part of my story, and a huge event that has formed and molded me into who I am.
If I have influenced even one person in a positive way, or brought light and love into their life through my ordeal, I consider it worth while. It is such a humbling feeling knowing that God is using you to further His kingdom, and to be an example. So, even though I may grumble or complain some days, when I lay down I close my eyes at night I ask God for strength. I ask Him to help me be better the next day, to be more realistic. And I always feel this calm in my heart, because I know the creator of the universe loves me. What more could you want?
With Love,
Sarah
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Dreaming in Advance
This post may not make a lot of sense. But it's something I've been thinking about today, so just bear with me...
Over the last two years my ability to plan my life more than 1 day(sometimes 1 second) in advance has been taken. I was in agressive treatment, one that made it impossible to go to school or go to the mall, or sometimes even leave my house. During these two years my life was completely unpredictable. One day in June of 2008 I was at a friend's birthday party. I left a little early, headed to Charlotte for what should have been a quick blood draw. CBC, quick, easy, to the point. I ended up in the hospital that night with fever neutropenia. Absolutely terrifying. Anyway, my point is, I think that I have been protecting myself for the last two yeasr. Not making plans to protect my heart when I don't get to go for a fever, or unexpected side effects from whatever medicine is in my coctail at the moment. Building a wall between what "normal" kids my age can do and what I should do. But now, 5 months since my last treatment, I find myself with a calendar filled with dates. And quite frankly, it scares me. This may seem silly. You might think I'm crazy, or even being unreasonable. But, it's how I feel and I'm not afraid to write it down. Tonight, as I sat thinking about my future, and what it might hold I felt a twinge of fear. Why am I writing things down, getting excited for things like prom and graduation, when the life I know now could be pulled out from under me at any moment. Most teenagers feel invincible, like nothing can touch them. I learned early in life that nothing is guaranteed. One second I'm in eighth grade studying for EOG's, the next I'm sitting in Charlotte hearing words no one deserves to hear. Ever. Most kids my age are beginning to think about college, a major, and the possibility of a marriage and kids in the near future. Am I rambling?
What I'm trying to say is that I'm ready to let my guard down. I'm not afraid of my disease to catch me at a vulnerable moment. Now is the time to live, and live right. Put God first, trust in His plan for my life. Will I still hear that little voice telling me not to count on it sometimes? Probably. Will I still get freaked out before scans? Absolutely. But I do have one thing that is absolutely constant, completely static. That's God's plan for my life. Even though I can't see the finished work, I am trusting Him. He knows so much more than me.
With Love,
Sarah
Over the last two years my ability to plan my life more than 1 day(sometimes 1 second) in advance has been taken. I was in agressive treatment, one that made it impossible to go to school or go to the mall, or sometimes even leave my house. During these two years my life was completely unpredictable. One day in June of 2008 I was at a friend's birthday party. I left a little early, headed to Charlotte for what should have been a quick blood draw. CBC, quick, easy, to the point. I ended up in the hospital that night with fever neutropenia. Absolutely terrifying. Anyway, my point is, I think that I have been protecting myself for the last two yeasr. Not making plans to protect my heart when I don't get to go for a fever, or unexpected side effects from whatever medicine is in my coctail at the moment. Building a wall between what "normal" kids my age can do and what I should do. But now, 5 months since my last treatment, I find myself with a calendar filled with dates. And quite frankly, it scares me. This may seem silly. You might think I'm crazy, or even being unreasonable. But, it's how I feel and I'm not afraid to write it down. Tonight, as I sat thinking about my future, and what it might hold I felt a twinge of fear. Why am I writing things down, getting excited for things like prom and graduation, when the life I know now could be pulled out from under me at any moment. Most teenagers feel invincible, like nothing can touch them. I learned early in life that nothing is guaranteed. One second I'm in eighth grade studying for EOG's, the next I'm sitting in Charlotte hearing words no one deserves to hear. Ever. Most kids my age are beginning to think about college, a major, and the possibility of a marriage and kids in the near future. Am I rambling?
What I'm trying to say is that I'm ready to let my guard down. I'm not afraid of my disease to catch me at a vulnerable moment. Now is the time to live, and live right. Put God first, trust in His plan for my life. Will I still hear that little voice telling me not to count on it sometimes? Probably. Will I still get freaked out before scans? Absolutely. But I do have one thing that is absolutely constant, completely static. That's God's plan for my life. Even though I can't see the finished work, I am trusting Him. He knows so much more than me.
With Love,
Sarah
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sixteen Years!
Wow! It has been such a crazy, busy, stressful, fantastic, exciting few weeks. I turned sixteen on August 25, 2010. It also was my first real "first day" of high school. It was the most amazing thing. As I sat in homeroom, listening to my friends complain about how much they didn't want to be there, I found myself closing my eyes and thanking God that I was well enough to even be there. After two years of one-on-one school with the most amazing homebound teacher, it was a great change of scenery.
I had my sweet sixteen party on Saturday, August 28th. It was absolutely fantastic. I went to dinner with my closest girlfriends and just got to be a teenager. You know your friends are here to stay when you have had limited contact for 2 whole years and when you finally do see eachother, you pick up right where you left off. I am so blessed to have such amazing ladies in my life.
So, I now have a car, a licene, and a whole lot of responsibility. I do not take this lightly. I feel like I have a job, a responsibility, to live every second of my life in a way that is pleasing in God's eyes. From a medical stand point, I should not be here. Being diagnosed with pediatric cancer once is devestating and scary. Relapsing and fighting it a second time is even scarier. But, that is all in the past. Even though it is obviously a huge, life changing event, it is now my job to live the remainder of my life as an example. For whatever reason, God has given me a second (and even a third!) chance! I know that his plan for me here on earth is not complete. I pray each day for him to reveal that plan to me in subtle ways, to show me His will and give me the courage to follow.
My sixteen years thus far have been interesting to say the least. Can't wait to see what's next!
With Love,
Sarah
I had my sweet sixteen party on Saturday, August 28th. It was absolutely fantastic. I went to dinner with my closest girlfriends and just got to be a teenager. You know your friends are here to stay when you have had limited contact for 2 whole years and when you finally do see eachother, you pick up right where you left off. I am so blessed to have such amazing ladies in my life.
So, I now have a car, a licene, and a whole lot of responsibility. I do not take this lightly. I feel like I have a job, a responsibility, to live every second of my life in a way that is pleasing in God's eyes. From a medical stand point, I should not be here. Being diagnosed with pediatric cancer once is devestating and scary. Relapsing and fighting it a second time is even scarier. But, that is all in the past. Even though it is obviously a huge, life changing event, it is now my job to live the remainder of my life as an example. For whatever reason, God has given me a second (and even a third!) chance! I know that his plan for me here on earth is not complete. I pray each day for him to reveal that plan to me in subtle ways, to show me His will and give me the courage to follow.
My sixteen years thus far have been interesting to say the least. Can't wait to see what's next!
With Love,
Sarah
Monday, July 19, 2010
Emotions
Emotions: They are invisible, and not concrete. Yet, you can see them all over people. Tears signify sadness, while a smile shows you're happy. Your body language tells it all. They're hard to hide, and even harder to explain.
Over the last two years I think I've felt every emotion possible. I've seen both ends of the spectrum. I have been immensely happy and intensely sad. The fear that sets in when you're told that you have a disease that is about to change your entire life as you know it is unexplainable. Yet, at times when I shouldn't have been able to breathe or think, I have had a strange sense of peace and clarity. I have been sad, and sick, and scared. But, these things seem so small when I consider the joy and love and hapiness I've felt. The complexity of these emotions have allowed me to grow and mature, and have taught me that life is full of ups and downs. It only matters which ones you focus on. Life really is what you make it. I have seen six year olds hooked up to IV's that smile and laugh and play. Only to come home and read statuses complaining about going to work or the big math test on Friday.
I feel incredibly lucky to know the things I know at this age. I have been shown the true meaning of life and have been given the opportunity to be an example for others. It is so comforting to know that no matter how many times the earth shakes beneath us, the end has already be written. It is my prayer that from one end of trhe spectrum to the next, I never forget my purpose and never take my eyes off the cross.
Over the last two years I think I've felt every emotion possible. I've seen both ends of the spectrum. I have been immensely happy and intensely sad. The fear that sets in when you're told that you have a disease that is about to change your entire life as you know it is unexplainable. Yet, at times when I shouldn't have been able to breathe or think, I have had a strange sense of peace and clarity. I have been sad, and sick, and scared. But, these things seem so small when I consider the joy and love and hapiness I've felt. The complexity of these emotions have allowed me to grow and mature, and have taught me that life is full of ups and downs. It only matters which ones you focus on. Life really is what you make it. I have seen six year olds hooked up to IV's that smile and laugh and play. Only to come home and read statuses complaining about going to work or the big math test on Friday.
I feel incredibly lucky to know the things I know at this age. I have been shown the true meaning of life and have been given the opportunity to be an example for others. It is so comforting to know that no matter how many times the earth shakes beneath us, the end has already be written. It is my prayer that from one end of trhe spectrum to the next, I never forget my purpose and never take my eyes off the cross.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Where Does The Time Go?
Wow! My first blog post! I created this page about three months ago, after my friend Sarah showed me hers. Writing has always been a hobby of mine, never judgemental and always theraputic. What can't you say to a piece of paper (or in this case, my computer screen)?? I don't care if 1,000 people read this, or just 1. It is my prayer that through this page I can be a positive example of God's unfailing love for us. So, here it goes. My first post :)
Here's some things about me...
1. I have the most amazing sister in the whole entire world. She is incredible, so much better than I can ever hope to be. I love you Kayla
2. I have a serious obsession w/ peanutbutter.
3. I am one of those weird kids that actually likes school
4. I have no idea what I want to be or study when I graduate.
5. I am indecisive (see 4) ha!
6. I have a best friend that understands my every emotion, that I never have to explain anything to. She is a cancer survivor, just like me, and such a blessing in my life. God definitely put her in my life for a reason. Love you Sarah
7. There is music playing in my room 24/7.
8. I am pretty much nocturnal- I have trouble sleeping, so don't be surprised if most of these blogs aren't written between the hours of 11 pm and 6 am. I'm at my happiest when it's dark and there are stars out :)
9. Math is my arch nemisis. I am not a black and white person, so math and I don't get along.
10. My goal is to every day be an example of God's love and light. Whether I am at church, or school, or the grocery store, I pray that people see His purpose in my life.
I am so excited to start journaling regularly. But, it's 3:30 in the morning. So I'm gonna wrap it up for now. Thanks for reading!
Sarah <3
Here's some things about me...
1. I have the most amazing sister in the whole entire world. She is incredible, so much better than I can ever hope to be. I love you Kayla
2. I have a serious obsession w/ peanutbutter.
3. I am one of those weird kids that actually likes school
4. I have no idea what I want to be or study when I graduate.
5. I am indecisive (see 4) ha!
6. I have a best friend that understands my every emotion, that I never have to explain anything to. She is a cancer survivor, just like me, and such a blessing in my life. God definitely put her in my life for a reason. Love you Sarah
7. There is music playing in my room 24/7.
8. I am pretty much nocturnal- I have trouble sleeping, so don't be surprised if most of these blogs aren't written between the hours of 11 pm and 6 am. I'm at my happiest when it's dark and there are stars out :)
9. Math is my arch nemisis. I am not a black and white person, so math and I don't get along.
10. My goal is to every day be an example of God's love and light. Whether I am at church, or school, or the grocery store, I pray that people see His purpose in my life.
I am so excited to start journaling regularly. But, it's 3:30 in the morning. So I'm gonna wrap it up for now. Thanks for reading!
Sarah <3
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