Sitting here tonight, I am prepared to say with my sixteen year old knowledge that nothing in life is all bad, 100% terrible. Life has this funny way of presenting to us the shades of gray. The small portion of a terrible situation that allows us to breathe, sleep, function. Sometimes even laugh, smile, thrive, survive, and live amongst the jagged pieces of a broken situation.
No situation is all bad. You know why? Because God is always there. He is with us in the darkest dark, through the burning you get in your eyes when the light begins to reach you, and He holds our hand when we finally step into the open atmosphere we've been deprived of and craving.
You, my friend, are not alone. Please remember that you never have to go through anything lonely and isolated. Even when no one is around, close your eyes and pray to feel God's presence. He will come when you call. He loves you just that much. Praying for peace in the hearts of anyone struggling tonight. This one's for you.
With Love,
Sarah
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Love Letter to Sixteen
Sixteen,
I can honestly say you have shown me the best year of my life. I met you on the very first day of my Junior year, my very first uninterrupted "normal" year of high school. I woke up at 6:00 a.m. and greeted you sleepy eyed and ready for whatever this year would bring. I entered the halls of Fred T. Foard feeling already behind. Everyone my age was already adjusted, I was far from comfortable. Marching band made the transition a thousand times easier. Us band kids have a built in family, an automatic support group. I am really grateful for my band siblings, who helped me out and made this year as easy and normal as possible. We enjoyed a successful season marching our show A Winter Fantasy. As much as we were glad to have a break, we were sad to see the season end. Sixteen taught me how to be part of something bigger than myself. Sixteen also saw me get my permit, then full provisional license. Sweet, sweet freedom.
Two days after Christmas, the McNeil girls traveled to southern California to cheer on Kayla as she marched in the Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena on the first day of 2011. Sixteen took me to the other side of the country, and even got me on my first roller coaster. I guess you could say it thrilled me. During the second semester of school, sixteen showed me how messy life can get. I was more stressed over one project in english than I have been over any other assignemnt in my school career. Sixteen taught me to hold on a little bit longer, hard times don't last forever. Sixteen took me to NYC twice, once with the band and once on vacation. We saw the gLee live tour in New Jersey, then spent a day in the city where we saw Daniel Radcliffe perform in How to Succeed in Buisness on broadway. Sixteen saw me yell and scream and make a fool of myself in front of famous people. Good times.
Most importantly, sixteen has seen me cancer free for the longest amount of time since my diagnosis. I have not had an entire year without kicking back with cancer since I was twelve years old. Every three months, sixteen saw me stress over scans but then celebrate with no evidence of disease results!
Thank you. This year has been an absolute dream. I've been granted all of the things that really matter. Family. Friends. Health. Love. What more could a girl ask for? Sixteen will always hold a special place in my heart. Here's to another year and all that seventeen will bring.
Love Always,
Sarah
I can honestly say you have shown me the best year of my life. I met you on the very first day of my Junior year, my very first uninterrupted "normal" year of high school. I woke up at 6:00 a.m. and greeted you sleepy eyed and ready for whatever this year would bring. I entered the halls of Fred T. Foard feeling already behind. Everyone my age was already adjusted, I was far from comfortable. Marching band made the transition a thousand times easier. Us band kids have a built in family, an automatic support group. I am really grateful for my band siblings, who helped me out and made this year as easy and normal as possible. We enjoyed a successful season marching our show A Winter Fantasy. As much as we were glad to have a break, we were sad to see the season end. Sixteen taught me how to be part of something bigger than myself. Sixteen also saw me get my permit, then full provisional license. Sweet, sweet freedom.
Two days after Christmas, the McNeil girls traveled to southern California to cheer on Kayla as she marched in the Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena on the first day of 2011. Sixteen took me to the other side of the country, and even got me on my first roller coaster. I guess you could say it thrilled me. During the second semester of school, sixteen showed me how messy life can get. I was more stressed over one project in english than I have been over any other assignemnt in my school career. Sixteen taught me to hold on a little bit longer, hard times don't last forever. Sixteen took me to NYC twice, once with the band and once on vacation. We saw the gLee live tour in New Jersey, then spent a day in the city where we saw Daniel Radcliffe perform in How to Succeed in Buisness on broadway. Sixteen saw me yell and scream and make a fool of myself in front of famous people. Good times.
Most importantly, sixteen has seen me cancer free for the longest amount of time since my diagnosis. I have not had an entire year without kicking back with cancer since I was twelve years old. Every three months, sixteen saw me stress over scans but then celebrate with no evidence of disease results!
Thank you. This year has been an absolute dream. I've been granted all of the things that really matter. Family. Friends. Health. Love. What more could a girl ask for? Sixteen will always hold a special place in my heart. Here's to another year and all that seventeen will bring.
Love Always,
Sarah
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Family Fun
Hello friends! How has your week been? It has been a fun, eventful week at the McNeil household. We were excited to have our Maryland family and Nana down to visit for the week. The days before our family's arrival, the McNeil girls worked hard to create what we affectionately call "The Fake House." You know, the house that is mopped, vaccumed, dusted, windexed, and picked up to perfection only to be destroyed moments after company arrives. It was well worth it. We prefer the "lived in look" any day.
On Tuesday, the girls enjoyed dinner with Sarah L. and then went to band open house with me. Crystal, an orchestra director at two elementary schools in MD, was right at home in our band room and I was glad to have her there. Thursday, we went on an impromptu trip to Carowinds. Crystal, Cheryl, Jonathan, and I enjoyed riding roller coasters for six hours straight while Aunt Jami, Kayla, Mom, and Nana relaxed at the water park. Finally, on Friday the girls treated Jonathan to lunch at Tony's where he successfully stuffed himself full of the greasy pizza that he loves when he comes to NC. Jonathan has to be one of my favorite people ever, give the kid a pizza and the History Channel and he is a happy camper. The girls went home, dressed up, and headed to Charlotte for Mamma Mia. It was great and we had ABBA sing alongs on the way home.
Inevitably, the sad day came when everyone packs up their suitcases and embarks on the 9 hour journey back to Maryland. We are now wading through the sadness that always comes when we have to leave one another. We always joke that when Kayla and I are through with college, Mom will move back to Maryland where she was born and we will be forced to follow her. If it weren't for our lovely life here in Hickory, we would do it in a heartbreat. I am completely thankful for my family, and how lucky we are to live apart but still be so close. Most people are surprised to hear we make the long drive for every single high school and college graduation, and with six of us kids that makes a lot! But, we wouldn't miss it for the world.
So, until we meet again at Thanksgiving we will write letters, call, email, facebook, text, twitter, and hold eachother close in our hearts. Until next time.....
With Love,
Sarah
On Tuesday, the girls enjoyed dinner with Sarah L. and then went to band open house with me. Crystal, an orchestra director at two elementary schools in MD, was right at home in our band room and I was glad to have her there. Thursday, we went on an impromptu trip to Carowinds. Crystal, Cheryl, Jonathan, and I enjoyed riding roller coasters for six hours straight while Aunt Jami, Kayla, Mom, and Nana relaxed at the water park. Finally, on Friday the girls treated Jonathan to lunch at Tony's where he successfully stuffed himself full of the greasy pizza that he loves when he comes to NC. Jonathan has to be one of my favorite people ever, give the kid a pizza and the History Channel and he is a happy camper. The girls went home, dressed up, and headed to Charlotte for Mamma Mia. It was great and we had ABBA sing alongs on the way home.
Inevitably, the sad day came when everyone packs up their suitcases and embarks on the 9 hour journey back to Maryland. We are now wading through the sadness that always comes when we have to leave one another. We always joke that when Kayla and I are through with college, Mom will move back to Maryland where she was born and we will be forced to follow her. If it weren't for our lovely life here in Hickory, we would do it in a heartbreat. I am completely thankful for my family, and how lucky we are to live apart but still be so close. Most people are surprised to hear we make the long drive for every single high school and college graduation, and with six of us kids that makes a lot! But, we wouldn't miss it for the world.
So, until we meet again at Thanksgiving we will write letters, call, email, facebook, text, twitter, and hold eachother close in our hearts. Until next time.....
With Love,
Sarah
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Night Time Clarity
Tonight, I walked outside and fell in love with the sky. The moon was big and bright, the stars that shown throgh the protective cover of the clouds were shining. The things that weren't illuminated by the moon lay against the dark background, looking two dimensional. It was as if I were a character in a pop up book. The mountain that I can see from my window looked smaller somehow, like a construction paper project against the night sky.
Maybe this world isn't as big as I thought. Becuase tonight when it was just me, the sky, and the chirping crickets, the atmosphere of this beautiful planet shrank down to a size I can understand. I think it knew I needed some help understanding. I didn't feel so small and lost. I didn't feel overwhelmed. I felt at home and at peace. The fuzzy confusion in my head floated away into the warm July night air, and a sort of clarity was left behind. And tonight, I am thankful for God's everlasting love for me and for this beautiful earth he created in seven days. I am still Lord, and I am yours.
Maybe this world isn't as big as I thought. Becuase tonight when it was just me, the sky, and the chirping crickets, the atmosphere of this beautiful planet shrank down to a size I can understand. I think it knew I needed some help understanding. I didn't feel so small and lost. I didn't feel overwhelmed. I felt at home and at peace. The fuzzy confusion in my head floated away into the warm July night air, and a sort of clarity was left behind. And tonight, I am thankful for God's everlasting love for me and for this beautiful earth he created in seven days. I am still Lord, and I am yours.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Tiny Bursts of Inspiration
Hey there bloggers, anyone there? I can hardly blame you if you're not, I definitely haven't been present for quite a while. Not cool, you may say? I totes agree! I will work on making more time for this, because it honestly saves my life sometimes. Remember how in my very first blog post I told you that I am a complete night owl? Case in point, it is 2:30 in the morning and I am on the couch writing and watching You've Got Mail. If you know me at all, you probably know of my completely inappropriate age gap crush on Tom Hanks. What can I say? Sometimes a girl can't help it!
Lately I've been having an increasingly inspired view of the world. As I look around this beautiful place that we get to call home for however long this life grants us, I am always amazed and often inspired by the simplests of snapshots. You know how when you were little, as you walked outside promising not to step on a crack in the concrete, fearing that some awful malady would strike your mom's back at any moment? Have you ever noticed that in between the cracks of the concrete sometimes grass can grow? Against all odds, these sprigs of grass have worked to adapt and flourish where no one thought they could. Maybe I noticed that to remind me that we really do control our own success. The best thing you can do with the doubt of others is turn it into ambition to realize strenght in yourself that you didn't know was there.
I made a memo note in my cell phone a few weeks ago to remind me to write something titled "I would rather talk to a piece of paper." The funny thing about it is that the blog may never get written because I postponed and lost it. Lost the inspiration and lost the idea of what I intended to write about. I am assuming I was probably having a hard day, sick of people and their constant cynicism. Their selfishness, shallowness, and unperfectness. On this particular night, I would have rather been talking to a piece of paper, craving it's blank openness and it's infinite ability to recieve without taking. However, apparently I would have rather been sleeping because I went to bed without writing what I knew needed to be written down. Finding this note in my phone a few days ago reminded me to follow my instincts. If it was important enough to put a memo in my phone, shouldn't I have just written it while it was on my heart? Follow your heart, Sarah. Your spirit knows you better than your mind does.
As I learn these seemingly small lessons and take in these tiny bursts of inspiration, I am realizing that these are the things that matter. Take a note of every lesson you learn. Write it down, put it in your pocket, because your mind will eventually push it aside to make room for something new. Everything that enters your life, comes for a reason. I noticed the grass that day for a reason, wrote that memo in my phone for a reason. Is this making sense? If it's not, my apoligies. It's three in the morning and I'm on a Tom Hanks high.
Good night, friend. Thanks for listening.
With Love,
Sarah
Lately I've been having an increasingly inspired view of the world. As I look around this beautiful place that we get to call home for however long this life grants us, I am always amazed and often inspired by the simplests of snapshots. You know how when you were little, as you walked outside promising not to step on a crack in the concrete, fearing that some awful malady would strike your mom's back at any moment? Have you ever noticed that in between the cracks of the concrete sometimes grass can grow? Against all odds, these sprigs of grass have worked to adapt and flourish where no one thought they could. Maybe I noticed that to remind me that we really do control our own success. The best thing you can do with the doubt of others is turn it into ambition to realize strenght in yourself that you didn't know was there.
I made a memo note in my cell phone a few weeks ago to remind me to write something titled "I would rather talk to a piece of paper." The funny thing about it is that the blog may never get written because I postponed and lost it. Lost the inspiration and lost the idea of what I intended to write about. I am assuming I was probably having a hard day, sick of people and their constant cynicism. Their selfishness, shallowness, and unperfectness. On this particular night, I would have rather been talking to a piece of paper, craving it's blank openness and it's infinite ability to recieve without taking. However, apparently I would have rather been sleeping because I went to bed without writing what I knew needed to be written down. Finding this note in my phone a few days ago reminded me to follow my instincts. If it was important enough to put a memo in my phone, shouldn't I have just written it while it was on my heart? Follow your heart, Sarah. Your spirit knows you better than your mind does.
As I learn these seemingly small lessons and take in these tiny bursts of inspiration, I am realizing that these are the things that matter. Take a note of every lesson you learn. Write it down, put it in your pocket, because your mind will eventually push it aside to make room for something new. Everything that enters your life, comes for a reason. I noticed the grass that day for a reason, wrote that memo in my phone for a reason. Is this making sense? If it's not, my apoligies. It's three in the morning and I'm on a Tom Hanks high.
Good night, friend. Thanks for listening.
With Love,
Sarah
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Girls That Have My Heart
It's days like this that have me convinced I'm one of the luckiest girls in the world. What have I done, you might ask? Not a whole lot. I got to enjoy the beautiful wonder that is sleeping in. I made lunch for Arielle and myself while Kayla was helping at Blackburn. A trip to the mall ended the day where I convinced my sister to buy an adorable shirt. A girl as beautiful as her really should wear something other than a band shirt every day! It's not the activity that made this day great, not the pearl studded scoop necked purchase from Charlotte Russe. The fact that I got to spend it with two of the earth's finest citizens is so amazing to me. Arielle Goralski has my heart. She has seen more of me than any one else, save my family and my best friend Sarah who braved the trip to Levine Children's after my femur resection surgery. Brave girl! I was completely out of it! All I have to remember her trip is what my mom told me and the bear she brought me that sits on my shelf, a lovely reminder of how special she is.
Arielle is this amazing mix of funny and sweet, beautiful and completely messy. She is the only person outside of my family that ever went with us to a chemo treatment. She could not have picked a worse day either! So so so so so sick, running from the infusion room to the x-ray lab trying to figure out why I was having so much pain. Here, my ortho surgeon shoved an x-ray under her nose and explained, at lenght, what my surgery was exactly. Gotta love surgeons! What does this girl do? Vomit and run away? No, she smiles at exactly the right times, sheds just one tear when I am falling apart later that day. Arielle has been this amazing blessing in our lives. She was there for Kayla when she was struggling with a sister with cancer. And for that, I will always be grateful. I always worried that Kayla was not getting to have the senior year she deserved. But, Arielle kept that beautiful smile on her face.
We love you Arielle! Thanks for everything! You make life a thousand times sunnier!
With Love,
Sarah
Arielle is this amazing mix of funny and sweet, beautiful and completely messy. She is the only person outside of my family that ever went with us to a chemo treatment. She could not have picked a worse day either! So so so so so sick, running from the infusion room to the x-ray lab trying to figure out why I was having so much pain. Here, my ortho surgeon shoved an x-ray under her nose and explained, at lenght, what my surgery was exactly. Gotta love surgeons! What does this girl do? Vomit and run away? No, she smiles at exactly the right times, sheds just one tear when I am falling apart later that day. Arielle has been this amazing blessing in our lives. She was there for Kayla when she was struggling with a sister with cancer. And for that, I will always be grateful. I always worried that Kayla was not getting to have the senior year she deserved. But, Arielle kept that beautiful smile on her face.
We love you Arielle! Thanks for everything! You make life a thousand times sunnier!
With Love,
Sarah
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
In the Face of a Stranger
I have always known cancer happened to me for a reason. I have always been sure that God is using me for His purpose. And today He was gracious enough to pull back the curtain and give me a glimpse of what is possible now that my journey with cancer is through and my new life has begun.
My mom and I went to the Nail Studio to get pedicures before leaving on our trip to New York City with the band. As I sat under the dryer, the girl across from me asked when I finishd my treatments. I took a split second to rack my brain and try to remember if I knew this person before. She was a pretty girl with blonde hair, and I knew she was a criminal justice major from hearing her talk to the girl doing her nails. I quickly replied that I finished treatmetns a year ago this month. She told me I did a great job with my wig, asking if it was from Locks of Love. "No, it's synthetic and from Chic Wigs." She told me it looks very nice. I smiled and said thank you, a little surprised at her assumed knowledge of my story. Maybe the foot long scar reaching from my knee to my hip gave it away, peering out from underneath my black mesh shorts. She asked what kind of cancer I had, recieving a reply of Osteosarcoma, pediatric bone cancer. Seconds later, she told me she recently lost her dad to thyroid cancer. "You must be so brave. I saw how tough my dad had to be and I can't imagine what it was like for you. And your mom." My heart broke for her as I told her I would keep her family in my prayers and tried to convey in words the intense compassion I felt for her. As she left, she told me to stay strong and keep fighting. I replied with an "It was so good meeting you. Your family will be in my thoughts."
If I could go back to that moment, I would say so much more. I would ask her name and where she lives. I would tell her that I will fight every day of my life for people like her dad. I may never see her again, but will always remember her as the first stranger I've really connected with over our similar struggles. I hope that her meeting me and intuitively knowing what I had been through was a blessing for her. I know she must have felt a twinge of sorrow, wishing her dad could have done as well as I have. I felt that same sadness. I was reminded today of how blessed I am and the unique gift that has been given to me. Maybe cancer isn't so bad after all. Maybe cancer is just a blessing wearing a really ugly costume, a ridiculous hat or a pair of tube socks that peer out from under it's acid wash jeans. Tonight, I am grateful for the suffering and knowledge. I am grateful that today I got to share someone's heartbreak and hopefully bring a semblence of hope back into their life. A much needed reminder that God has something more in store for me. All this revealed to me in the face of a stranger.
My mom and I went to the Nail Studio to get pedicures before leaving on our trip to New York City with the band. As I sat under the dryer, the girl across from me asked when I finishd my treatments. I took a split second to rack my brain and try to remember if I knew this person before. She was a pretty girl with blonde hair, and I knew she was a criminal justice major from hearing her talk to the girl doing her nails. I quickly replied that I finished treatmetns a year ago this month. She told me I did a great job with my wig, asking if it was from Locks of Love. "No, it's synthetic and from Chic Wigs." She told me it looks very nice. I smiled and said thank you, a little surprised at her assumed knowledge of my story. Maybe the foot long scar reaching from my knee to my hip gave it away, peering out from underneath my black mesh shorts. She asked what kind of cancer I had, recieving a reply of Osteosarcoma, pediatric bone cancer. Seconds later, she told me she recently lost her dad to thyroid cancer. "You must be so brave. I saw how tough my dad had to be and I can't imagine what it was like for you. And your mom." My heart broke for her as I told her I would keep her family in my prayers and tried to convey in words the intense compassion I felt for her. As she left, she told me to stay strong and keep fighting. I replied with an "It was so good meeting you. Your family will be in my thoughts."
If I could go back to that moment, I would say so much more. I would ask her name and where she lives. I would tell her that I will fight every day of my life for people like her dad. I may never see her again, but will always remember her as the first stranger I've really connected with over our similar struggles. I hope that her meeting me and intuitively knowing what I had been through was a blessing for her. I know she must have felt a twinge of sorrow, wishing her dad could have done as well as I have. I felt that same sadness. I was reminded today of how blessed I am and the unique gift that has been given to me. Maybe cancer isn't so bad after all. Maybe cancer is just a blessing wearing a really ugly costume, a ridiculous hat or a pair of tube socks that peer out from under it's acid wash jeans. Tonight, I am grateful for the suffering and knowledge. I am grateful that today I got to share someone's heartbreak and hopefully bring a semblence of hope back into their life. A much needed reminder that God has something more in store for me. All this revealed to me in the face of a stranger.
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